Parents Need to Hash Out Dinner Wars
By John Rosemond
Q: My husband often undermines my authority where the kids are concerned. For example, I believe that my children should eat whatever I put in front of them for supper. I refuse to be a short-order cook. If they don't eat what I fix, they get no supper. The main offender is our 4-year old. When he doesn't want to eat what I have fixed, my husband will make him a grilled cheese sandwich. I've complained about this, but he keeps right on doing it. What should I do?
A: I recommend one or more of the following: 1. Make your husband sit in the corner for one hour wearing a dunce cap, 2. send him to bed early without his supper, 3. have him sleep outside in the dog house, 4. make him write, "I will support my wife in front of my children" 100 times, 5. make him stand on a busy street corner wearing a sandwich board that reads "Need help ... Do not understand what 'Husband' means."
Ten years ago and more, men were complaining about wives who acted as if their wedding vows read, "I take you to be my husband until children do us part." Today, almost as many women are complaining about husbands who would rather play with their children than have intelligent conversation, who value approval from their kids more than affection from their wives, who are more interested in being good dads than being good partners. Why is this? I have my own theories, but I want to hear from the men, or boys, as the case may well be.
E-mail me at parentingstories@aol.com.
Tell me, guys, why you are more interested in relationship with your kids than with your wives, and tell me, furthermore, why you think it's cool for a grown man to be a child's best buddy. I challenge you to put your answers in terms that make sense to the average bear.
Everyone has their limits, and that applies even to the World's Greatest Parenting Expert. I have no answer to "What can I do about a spouse who will not get on the same page with me concerning the kids?" other than "Just remember that the kids will be gone someday and you'll have your marriage back." Unfortunately, when the kids are gone, finally, if ever, the marriage may have so much dust on it that it may not be findable.
The normal state of affairs in the modern family is such that the word "family" applies loosely, if at all. A family is defined by an adult or adults who impart, through example and assignment, good values to children. The role of the family is to strengthen culture. As such, the primary job of the adult or adults who head a family is to impart — through example, instruction, correction and assignment — good values to children. That's a definition of leadership, and leadership is not effective unless the leaders are at the center of attention. In today's "normal" family, the children are at the center of attention. Therefore, in today's "normal" family, leadership is lacking.
A culture draws its strength from strong families, and strong families are defined by strong marriages. (Single parent families can be strong families too, but when single parent families outnumber two-parent families, the culture is in trouble.)
Today's parents act more from the roles of mother and father than they do from the roles of husband and wife. Today's parents talk more to and do more for their kids than they do to, and for each other. Therefore, today's kids are not learning how to be married, and that bodes ill for the future of America.
But, to the issue of roast beast vs. grilled cheese: Put the food you want to fix your family in front of your son, who wants to be treated as a special case and has learned that his father will cooperate in this narcissistic exercise. If he does not want to eat what you fix, excuse him from the table without a harsh word so that his reluctance to eat does not dominate the meal. Cover his food. When he later complains of being hungry, uncover his food and present it to him again. Microwave it if you must. Maybe you and your children's father can agree on that. If you can't, then the two of you are in for very rough times ahead.
JohnRosemond is a family psychologist. Contact him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 E. 86th St., Suite 26B, India napolis , IN 46240 ; or www. rosemond.com.
